A good bitchin conversation can work wonders on the figure
If you enjoy a good bitchin conversation, then you need to read my guide. It’s not just for the fun of it. You can improve your figure and lose weight talking, but that depends on the mouth in question, and whether or not you have a bitchin motor. In my early youth, when I could bitch, (literally, a mile a minute), I shed scores of calories – nervous energy they called it. I was a skinny minny in those days. Nowadays I’d need a decent interlocutor to lose that much weight if you get what I mean.
Other factors to conversational weight loss are age, weight, and exercise regimen. An hour’s talk will blow between 40 – 60 calories. Writers love talking, and boozing, and traditionally it has been part of the writers’ toolkit to talk their listeners into a coma, dreaming up new poems, phrases, verses, plot spirals. Dylan Thomas is famous for his verbal peregrinations in The Fitzroy Tavern in Fitzrovia, London, as well as the nooks and crannies of Soho. Irish writer Brendan Behan chose Neary’s pub in Dublin to blow off steam. Ernest Hemmingway was a regular at El Floridita bar in Havana for his vocal splurges. He’s still there propping up the bar counter to this day, in the form of a statue, or maybe it’s old Ernie himself, in aspic.
Who has the time?
All well and good, but in this hi-tech, live-streaming age, who has time to chat in such a laid back manner? No, we need a good bitchin conversation!
The trick is to gossip on the fly. Be with others who like to rabbit, and I mean rabbit! Ferociously. Talk good. Make so that the consonants and vowel-sounds stoke up the brain and burn new neurons into that worn-out skull of yours. Dream mad ideas and stash them away for later. Talk anything, but talk. Take pizza. Let’s say you’re sharing one now with friends. Consider this – where and when was pizza invented? (China or Japan?) What’s the best ratio of pastry to toppings, tomatoes and cheeses that make the classic Italian pie? What Roman Emperor guzzled ten pies in one sitting, with chilli oil on top, and then died of a massive wind attack? Clue, he was lactose intolerant. (Okay, I made that one up, but it sounds good, don’t it?). See how loose talk can stir the writer imagination?
In a recent Huff Post article, writer, Vanessa Van Edwards (‘Modern-Day Dale Carnegie’), gave 33 pointers on the ‘art of great conversation’. Read it for yourself if you can stay awake that long.
So, if you genuinely want to juice things up with your gabbing partner, read my version – its more dynamic, point for point:
1. Vanessa says, be anti-boring. I say be anti-everything
Like, don’t bother asking someone what they do for a living. Who the hell cares? Instead, start off with, ‘the world sucks. Why get up in the morning? Give me one good reason to get out of bed. If you do, I’ll buy you a drink’. (An incentive to the listener to talk with you).
2. Vanessa says to start strong.
So, you know what, for a real good bitchin conversation, it doesn’t matter whose party, or what your snooty host thinks about your tattooed caveman. Why should you explain how you met the love of your life – in a chat room on the Dark Web – or about your romantic first date in the back of a cab in Vauxhall? Keep it on the low.
Say, ‘We’re first cousins arranged to be married’ and head for the cauliflower fajitas.
3. Vanessa says to ask about trips and adventures
Who has ‘trips and adventures’.
Please don’t embarrass your guests by asking if they’ve been anywhere interesting lately. Try the Egyptian rooms at the British Museum, it’s free, and it’s wild!
Wait! Stop, that’s personal.
5. Vanessa says tell stories
Don’t, not unless you are Orson Welles. It’s painful to keep up your screwface on for some moron’s neverending anecdote. Just let the gossip flow – naturally.
6. Break it down
Talk about your recent nervous breakdown, always makes people feel more at home.
7. Vanessa says, ‘be the highlight.’
What is this? Celebrity Apprentice? Forget it. Don’t ask some poor partygoer about the ‘highlight’ of their day. Let their dark side seep out. Much more interesting, and they’ll thank you for it.
8. The handshake
Are you for real? Forget it – you don’t know where that hand has been! High fives are safer.
9. Vanessa says ‘the eyes have it’.
Sure, make eye contact, but don’t freak me out with a ‘power gaze’.
But you can toss a wink if you feel alike.
10. Power pose?
Who needs a power pose. Stand propped up against the bar like Hemmingway. It’s cool, and it’s casual, it’s bound to get you a drink.
Not even going there.
12. Vanessa says to smile
No, sneer like Brando. Or, you’ll wind up looking like Mickey Mouse.
Forget it, create a fantasy self – you can go further with that one. Pack a pistol. Strut around the room. Real? The heck you are cowboy!
14. Vanessa says to speak from the heart
A good trick that – if you’re a ventriloquist.
15. Ask, ‘what can I do for you’?
Prefer, ‘What can I do you for?’ A dyslexic shop-girl coined that phrase – bless her.
16. Vanessa says to warm it up!
To further your cold interaction and make it warmer, include an actionable question at the end of your call or email. For example, you could say, ‘could we jump on a call to discuss your goals with time management?’
Remember, this is a good bitchin conversation so on your bike, lady!
17. Vanessa says to use your Feet
Point your feet at the person you want to ‘hone in on’?
Stepping on my feet! So rude! Stick your Addidas up your ass, buster!
It shows that you’re in tune with what that person has to say.
With what their feet have to say more like!
18. Vanessa says to use the head tilt
That could go badly wrong; I knew a chiropractor who wound up in jail … but that’s a whole other story.
19. Vanessa says to use the face
20. To fist bump or not to fist bump?
Sure, then do the hokey cokey and twirl around.
21. Vanessa deplores sweaty palms
Listen, my best friend has hyperhidrosis. Don’t knock it; these people come in handy during water shortages.‘So, Lisa, how many litres did you shake off your sweaty palms today?’
22. When it comes to handshakes, Vanessa says go vertical
Hold your hand out and move it up and down with the other.
Are you calling me a wanker?
23. Vanessa says, stay by the bar…
Agree for once, stay near the bar for a stiff whiskey when the going gets tough at that party.
24. … or by the food
So sit down where people are eating. As soon as they put their plates down, shake their hands and start talking to them.
Tried that once and got a fork in the eye. No thanks. Leave the munchers in peace.
25. Vanessa says not to fidget.
Balls. Fidget like Billy Connolly, a good talking point.
26. Vanessa says to watch your nerves
Watch your watch, and skiddoo when you’ve had enough. Or, tell people straight that you’re nerves are shot to hell and deliberately drop a glass. Great ice breaker, not to mention the glass.
27. Vanessa says to avoid alpha behaviour
Balls. If someone irritates you with bawdy chit chat, sort it by nutting him in the groin.
28. Vanessa says to lean into the person you are talking with
What if they have bad breath? Worse, what if you do?
29. Display confidence?
Have you ever tried keeping your head down and your chin up?
30. Use your vocal power
Just scream, it’s a great way to loosen up, and some people do take notice.
31. Remember to breathe
Well, yeah, or you’re dead, innit?
32. Vanessa says be passionate
Okay. Who with?
33. Vanessa says it’s all about growth
‘if you’re in a group and you want people to pay attention, use the nonverbal hand signals for growth. This involves raising your hand in an upward slope showing people by using your body language how successful you are. Of course, we’re all attracted to successful people and want to start conversations with them’.
Balls. I know a good hand gesture in response to that!
So, I do hope you enjoyed my 33 alternative tips towards a good bitchin conversation. Leave your comments below and remember to keep gassing. If so, you can show your appreciation at PayPal, drop me a line for the account details.